"The Best Cosole..."

Picture the scene if you can (and I'd imagine you can, it's not a particularly difficult scene to picture). A family gathering, it's for a birthday, or other event that society dictates you should sit in a room with some family members for, the details are quite unimportant.

So there I was, quite content, I had had a few beers, the collective assortment of family members of varying levels of relation were assembled, and had also had a few each, the idle chat was flowing, the TV was banging out Katy Perry hit after Ke$ha hit, after Jedward...well, you get the drift.

All of a sudden, someone broke it out...the Nintendo Wii! Ok, I thought, that's fine...none of them are gamers, they are quite happy with playing this simplistic console and it's crowd pleasing mini games collections. They aren't into shooting various bad guys with a varying assortment of weapons, dragging Nathan Drake across a stunning virtual world, or discovering the streets of Liberty City and beating te shit out of a hooker or 9...no, they'd rather skillesly (is that a word?) bowl or play tennis...each to their own...

Anyway, half an hour or so later, people had become (predictably) fed up of bowling quite a while ago, and had moved on to something I believe was called "Got 2 Dance!" I hadn't heard of it. However, it seemed to involve mimicking what the on screen character was doing, in time to some of the pop hits the TV had been thumping out before all the Nintendo fun began. Despite the numerous attempts to get me to join in failing miserably, I quite enjoyed watching them all make a considerable arse of themselves, running around the room (when anyone with a bit of tech savvy could have seen that all you needed to do was imitate the right hand movements to get a perfect score) and banging into each other as the dancing intensified and the alcohol continued to flow...then the fun stopped.

One of the collective family members came and sat next to me, obviously exhausted from their running around a coffee table, shouting about "tik Toking" or something and trying to hold a glass of wine, all simultaneously. Turning to me, the question posed was, "You play games don't you?" followed by "Do you have a Wii..." Not wanting to rain on the parade of those destined for Britain's Got Talent, I merely replied "no..." "But why?" I found myself questioned..."It's got to be the best console on the market!"

To say I ranted was, without doubt, the understatement of the year. To say it fell on deaf ears follows the previous statement closely into second place....a gallant runner up you might say. But what is it that winds us gamers up so much about the popularity of the Wii?? I had to think about that.

1. The thing is technologically so far behind the other two big consoles. The 360 and the PS3 both have graphics, sounds and gameplay capabilities far far above anything that the Wii could ever apire to. Just look at Dead Space 2, Uncharted 2, Fallout 3 etc, and answer me this...what does the Wii have to combat this? Nothing...
In fact, since the other two released their own movement technology, the Wii now even lacks a USP...yet people still flock to buy it, unbelievable. (The PS Move is what I would call the more talented, more solid and reliable big brother of the Wiimote....it's going to an Ivy League School and it ants to be a pretty good lawyer, whilst the Xbox Kinect is like the gay, flashy brother...it's going to stage school, it's going to show it's talents to the world, and it might just become a star).

2. Nintendo are lazy. Asides from the above, bringing out wave after wave of mini games compilations is a cheap way to motivate sales. People are obviously going to be amazed by the fact that they can play darts, bowls or tennis without learning button combos etc, but no matter how often you move it between beach, gym hall and the fucking moon, it is still the same arm wavey non entity. Also, the mere release of Goldeneye Wii is just sad...as a former childhood player of Goldeneye on the N64 (I was a child of that generation), I find it appalling that they can repackage the same game, and release it as if it's a brand new title...no graphics upgrade, no change in the characters, no bringing it up to date with the current Bond films, nothing...it's the same N64 game!

3. People are being robbed of a chance to play the best games that have ever been on the market. Parents are the peole who buy us our first consoles. When I was like 4, we got a Sega Master System, later upgraded to the Mega Drive, so on and so on, before my first console which was my own...in 1996, the PS One. This gave me a chance to experience the best that was on offer of that time. We are talking Final Fantasy series, we are talking Metal Gear Solid, games that raised the bar, and allowed us to progress to Heavy Rain, more Final Fantasy and (the afforementioned, many times) Uncharted 2.
This generation's parents are not giving them that chance. By buying the Wii they are not allowing their kids to get to grips with true Next Gen gaming. Do we really want Wii Sports 2088 to be the biggest game on the market in 77 years time? Or do we want the latest groundbreaking technologies to be reaching ever closer to the stars?? I know what I would like to see.

I mean, the Wii isn't all bad. But you have to take it for what it is. It's a casual machine, for casual gamers. And yes, it is fun for casual gamers, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just wish that it didn't blinker everyone from seeing the true gaming experiences that are out there.

You have to give it to them though...Nintendo have two consoles, one has a game that calls you stupid and oldin the head, and the other has a game that calls you fat, lazy and stupid, oh, and you also have no balance, you pensioner bastard! And they still manage to market these as some of the biggest sellers in history. Kudos for that Nintendo...and touche!

Tomorrow's blog...the Hollywood effect...on Japan and it's culture.

The Sanitised Box Theory

If you had ever lived with my dad, you would discover (don't worry, I have done this part for you, and I'll relay it to, you, no actual discovery is required on your part) that he has deveoped a catchphrase over the past few years.

"You are all getting closer and closer to your wee sanitised boxes..."

Yup, he says it on average around 14 times a week (**Disclaimer - actual number of times per week may be different**). So what does it mean?? Well, my dad you see, is a technophobe!! For a guy like me, who is a self confessed geek, with a love for all things with a plug and a screen (apart from the Wii...but we'll reserve that one for another day), this is horrifying. Well...it was horrifying, for a while. Now I'm used to it, and to be honest I just do stuff to wind him up.

The sanitised box theory, it seems, is actually rather simple. It is my dad's genuine belief (and I believe he does genuinely think this will happen some day), that we will all eventually live in a little "pod" of sorts, where all of our food will be delievered (by robot I suppose?? I mean his theory isn't water tight), and where will have constant internet access, and will be able to do our shopping, banking, working, everything. And the key element of it...



We won't ever have to talk to anyone!

My dad seems to be grasping onto the last shreds of the past you see. You and I might, for example, go to the supermarket and use the self service tills. We do this because it's faster, easier, and we can serve ourselves (perhaps there's a sense of achievement, maybe we are all antisocial...who knows?). My dad won't though. He will even wait in a queue to not be served "by some bloody machine". Apparently, the art of conversation is dying, and by using the machine, we are eventually depriving someone of a job. For the same reason, he won't use an ATM for his cash, or pay for his petrol @the pump.

I, on the other hand, am delighted that I am spared the boring every day banter of someone who neither cares what they ask you, nor what the answer is. I'm in the supermarket - "is it raining outside?" I immediately think, "why?? do I look wet?" Of course I don't, it's just what they are told to do. Be nice to the customer. I can't be the minority though...surely there are more than me who would gladly put their shopping through a checkout in the awkward silence of service?? It's the same everywhere - in the barbers - "is it your day off today?" "No, I just walked out of work to address the life or death matter of having my fringe trimmed..." - at the canteen at work - "Are you hungry today?" "WTF??". You must be catching on by now.

However, his favourite time to have a dig at modern society is when I have my phone out. I am an avid iPhone 4 fan, I never go for longer than a few minutes without using my phone for something or other. My dad finds this horrific. Say I see an advert for a film I like - Amazon app >>> search film >>> one click buy. My dad - "can you not just go to a shop and buy it??" me - "no, its cheaper online anyway!" my dad - "muttering something about a sanitized box..." he really hates it.


The long and the short of it is this. I wouldn't mind a "sanitised box", so long as the robot delivering didn't speak the most mundane garbage whilst it was doing so.

Nah, in reality, we need to talk to people (obviously), but is my dad (whilst obviously having a satirical dig at the modern generation) really predicting what might just happen years from now? Who knows, but would you like to live all alone, with only the walls of your pod and a constant live net feed to keep you company?

tomorrow's blog . . . what angered me about "the best console on the market"?

A Geek Could Get Fed Up Of This Weather....Naaaaaat!!!

Ironically enough, I choose to come back to my blog, over a year later, with something that echoes my last post rather eerily...

"The End of Chaos", I yelled, delighted, on the 11th of January! Woohoo, the winter storms had passed overhead, and we were ready for spring! (well, as close as one might hope to get to spring, in Scotland, in January).

As it happens, I was pretty much spot on, that was the end of it...but only for a while. You see, mother nature decided to give us 2 weeks of spring, 35 minutes of summer, and then slapped us in our collective face with an early winter, in mid NOVEMBER!!

Scotland was hit late last year, with the sort of mammoth snowfall that calls for newspapers and TV stations to roll out that famous quote, that oh so delicious cliche that is reserved for every year between December and February (they must have had special dispensation to use it in November). Yes it was "the worst snowfall since records began!!!" Oh hell! The apocalypse was now (do you see what I did there?? No? Well it wasn't funny anyway). So we all bought our £££££££££££££££££££'s snow shovels, we dug out our cars, we salted the roads, and we stuck the middle finger up to mother nature...yes, because we are British!

Alas, everytime we did this, mother nature grabbed our bony middle finger (I should point out this is both a metaphorical woman and finger, there really was no actual violence involved) and bent it back until we said "ouch, that hurts a bit!" Yes, the daily snow clearing was shat on nightly by a fresh blanket of snow. We missed work, school, I missed university exams, football was cancelled (have mercy!) and our bins were not emptied!

However, despite all our panicking and metaphorical finger showing, we weren't actually doomed. After about 5 weeks, it all calmed down, and we were able to move our cars, go to work, get shopping in (I mean normal shopping...the world eventually got over that bread and milk addiction that always seems to strike whenever there's mildly bad weather forecast) and walk outside again.

So why do I post this, you ask, after well over a month of back-to-normalism...well, that's just it. We have come full circle once again. Just after we've all decided we can forgive mother nature again, she decides to throw a stone at us and laugh. I currently sit in my house, in early February, unable to go out because of horrific wind and rain. Bins are flying around the street, electricity boxes have been blown clean off the sides of houses, and people walking their dogs look like they're playing with kites....why does this bother me? Well, there's only so much ps3 and internet that one guy can take...

I'm lying of course. That upper level of ps3 that I can take will actually never be reached. You see, I have amassed around 50 hours of game time this week alone already, and I'm not even mildly considering talking to anyone in the real world yet...that in itself is quite remarkable (the game time I mean, not the desire to not talk to real people), considering I've spent most of my week reading manga and drawing Japanese styled people on the shards of paper that litter my desk...

I'm currently catching up on the Death Note series of manga. It was one I had neglected to read previously (funny, considering that it's one of the most overhyped manga series ever). I'm really getting into it...you see Light Yagami...no...better not...can't be arsed typing **SPOILER ALERT** oh, and then I did!



tomorrow's blog . . . discover the sanitised box theory...